Shady Clearing

So, yesterday was my 25th birthday.  25 years; one fourth of a century.  In terms of human lifespans 25 years is a good amount of time.  Of course, our lifespans are quite short.  Astronomically, 25 years is less than the blink of an eye.  It’s funny to imagine how something that feels like such a long time to us is practically worthless as far as the impossibly big picture goes.

Then again, we aren’t astronomical in scale, and the things that we accomplish usually don’t take quite that long so long as we don’t mention government and politics anyway.  That said, however, looking back at the time I’ve spent thus far on this tiny blue speck of dust, I don’t really feel like I’ve accomplished much.  I’ve yet to acquire work that I could consider a career, or even work that utilizes the specialties I have for that matter.  Relationships are fleeting and always as uncertain as the workings of the human mind.  That doesn’t prevent me from preferring to be in one, however.  Even thinking like this doesn’t change the fact that I too am human, complete with all the uncertainties and uniquities that being so entials.

I suppose all of this is mainly just rambling and circular thought, and we all do it at some point.  There is a solution to the questioning, so long as one accepts that even the solution cannot be for certain until after it has come to pass.  Admitting that, though, I do believe it’s probably time that I stood up and actually started putting forth some proper effort toward achieving my goals and making something of myself beyond simply being a nameless unkown.  How will I do it?  I honestly have no idea, but I’m going to figure it out!

Now that all the serious business is out of the way, we can move on to the fun stuff.  As I mentioned, yesterday — Friday the 13th — was my 25th birthday.  This year I managed to get days off for it though, and was determined to go out and have a good time.  My determination paid off, too.  Didn’t get a large group of people together; just a few, which is fine by me.  We ate out at Applebee’s, which could have been better, but it wasn’t bad for as busy as they were.  From there we left to go to Darren’s Pub, where we stayed for about 4 hours, listening to music, talking and drinking.  Between the beer at Applebee’s and the mixed drinks at the pub, I was rather toasted for a while, but I recovered near the end.  All in all it was a good time for all, I believe.

As far as gifts go, I received an armband strap for my Zune so I can more easily use it at the gym, a book about keeping things ‘interesting’ in a relationship, and a hookah!  It’s not a fancy one, but it’s good enough.  I had my first experience using a hookah when I went to visit Dragoon in Lexington, and I rather enjoyed it.  Apparently, I had later mentioned to my friend C.C. in passing that I wouldn’t mind having one, and the sneaky woman latched onto that and now I do have one.  I’ve already used it once, went went well, but more practice with it will yield even better results, so I’m totally ready to use it again.

Overall, this was probably one of the best birthday celebrations that I’ve had in a long time.  I certainly can’t complain, that’s for sure.

That’s it for now!  I’ll write more later.

SO!  After being reminded that I still needed to write about the last day of my trip, Sunday, I thought I should probably do so, and throw in the few days afterward as well.

Sunday was relaxing, overall.  Woke up around 7:30am (central time, but who cares?) and piddled around on the internet for a bit.  Later, the others found their way upstairs as well, and it became a calm, pleasant day with some chatter and viewing of videos.  Egg, sausage and cheese burittos for breakfast were also tasty.

(I suddenly feel like I’m writing this on twitter, for some reason)

Politics and other things were the topics of the day.  I didn’t provide much feedback throughout, but it was interesting to listen to others’ opinions.  As my time wrapped to a close, I tried to mentally catalogue the experiences of the weekend for reminiscing later, and finally after goodbyes and a hug, I left to return to Henderson at around 4pm (Again, central time).

The drive was uneventful and rather boring, though it didn’t seem to take as long as the drive there.  Upon arrival I unpacked and then took off to the gym to make use of the membership I’m paying for.

Monday!  Was really rather boring.  I actually didn’t do much of anything save for returning the car.  However, that evening as I laid down to attempt to nap before work, I found myself unable to sleep.  I was actually rather overwhelmed by this odd feeling that something terrible was about to happen and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was.  Tuesday, and now Wednesday have gone by quite similarly.  As I gaze out to the fields and sky, it just feels like something is waiting to happen and when it does it’s not going to be pleasant or easy to recover from.

*shrugs*  Who knows.  Since I’m not psychic I’m not likely to find out anytime soon unless it actually happens, so I suppose I should really try not worrying about it.

Maybe, though, it’s an connected with my own personal feelings.  I just don’t feel like I belong here; as if I’m just sticking around because it’s easy and that I’m not actually doing anything useful.  I have an urge to just leave and not look back, and wherever I end up is where I am.  Who’s to say?

Anyway, plans for the evening are fairly set, with work in the offing should I decide I want to do so, among other things.  We’ll see where the wind blows!

(Thanks, by the way, for getting me into Doctor Who, guys.  Thanks a lot. :P)

Right, so I decided to sit an watch the first presidential debate of the election tonight, and I must say that it was one of the most amusing things I’ve seen in a while.

I’m not really interested in dissecting it or going in-depth about it, because I don’t really enjoy political debates among my peers.  They’re exhausting and to me feel about as useful as a debate about religion; which usually isn’t a good thing.

What I will say, however, is that though I don’t think either one of them was really prepared for it, I feel that Barack did a better job of rolling with the punches that Jim Lehrer was throwing at the two candidates.  Over all, despite the few things that seem a bit wonky in Obama’s policy outlines, I believe that he has a better head on his shoulders and a stronger plan geared more toward helping our country in a timely fashion.  I can’t say that McCain didn’t have his moments where he didn’t sound silly though — he did have a few good ideas.

Beyond all that, there was also the matter of work today.  Worked from 10am to 7pm.  It was rather boring and slow for a friday, at least until around 5 o’clock.  The most interesting thing that happened though was the look that Lynna got on her face when she finally realized that I’m gay.  That only lasted a moment though before everything went back to normal and nobody cared. *snrk*

Other than that, I had to take an early lunch on the presumption that my mom was going to work today, but unfortunately on more than one account, she didn’t go.  Unfortunate that she misses out on the wages for the day, but likewise unfortunate the reason why: apparently, her brother Larry died today.  Nobody seems to know the specifics of it, but what we do know is that he is no longer alive, and it’s unlikely that many, if any, of the family will be attending the funeral since Larry was the only one living in Indianapolis, with mom being the closest relative 4 hours away.

Just one thought for the night, aside from all that above.  I’m really trying to figure out why I seem to have lost most of my interest in going out and doing things.  I used to be all about going out and just doing whatever with friends, but it seems that anymore I’m more inclined to just stay home bored as opposed to going out and feeling somewhat bored and spending money to be that way.  There’s gotta be a good reason why it’s so hard to feel like I’m having fun, or to even feel like I’m capable of having fun.  Actually, I’m rather sure that it’s got plenty to do with me just feeling like I’m a boring person overall, and therefore feel like the act of going out to have fun would be lost on me before even giving it a chance, but I’ve generally always felt that I’m a relatively boring person.  *shrugs*  Oh well, I’m sure I’ll figure it out in time.

Ta for now~

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Music: Fairytale by Sara Bareilles

Do you ever have those days where just about everything annoys you?  Perhaps to the point of wanting to inflict physical damage upon something or someone?  Yeah, today’s been one of those days, overall.

I don’t really know why, either.  Maybe it has to do with still being achey from being sick yesterday, or maybe it has to do with having a lot of stuff on my mind.  Who knows?  Regardless, I just thought I’d blab about it for a while.

Work was normal for a Wednesday.  Not too busy but not too slow.  The worst part about it was the fact that my muscles and joints were still rather stiff and sore from being sick the day before.  I finally got out of work around 7pm to come home.

Besides all that, I’ve still got the overwhelming urge to blow something up, but no real way to satisfy that urge, so I guess I’ll just have to hold out until I can afford to buy the punching bag I want.  I think it’ll be a really good investment on my part, as it will help relieve stress as well as help me get some much needed excersize.

Anyway, I’ll write more later.  Ta~

You know, there comes a time, sometimes many times, in a person’s life when something they hear, read or feel sparks something inside them and they are empowered to make great changes in the way they think or act.  Just recently I had a time like that occur.  I’ve been reading a very interesting and informative book, and after setting it aside on night, I reflected back on the incomprehensible network of paths and decisions that had brought me to where I am in the present.  I was faced with two questions:  Is this where I want to be?  If not, then what am I going to do to get where I want to be?

I pondered those questions for some time, thinking about how I feel about my current position, and about where I want myself to be.  From there, I thought about what I’m doing now that’s holding me back from what I want to do.  The answer, of course, was myself.  I’ve simply not been allowing myself the chance to move forward by merely accepting that what I’m doing now is good enough and by doing that I’ve been limiting my potential.  I’ve been letting myself stagnate in place instead of moving, because it’s what I’d become used to.  I’d been playing host to the idea that it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t get ahead, but the fault of those above me who wouldn’t let me get ahead.

This, of course, was a flat out lie.  I was only telling myself that to justify my thoughts and inaction.  Now that I’ve opened my eyes to what I’ve been doing wrong, I’ve made it my personal ambition and goal to better myself in any way I can. Financially, I intend to begin budgeting my money so I actually have some left over.  Socially, I aim to be more outgoing and less afraid of what people think.  On matters of health, my first goal is to stop smoking!  That alone will greatly improve my health.  I feel that by improving a few areas of my life first, other areas are sure to follow.  The only thing that can keep me from achieving these goals is me, so I have to steel my will and go for it with all that I’ve got.  The hardest part is going to be quitting, so to help with that I’m going to make daily posts for the next week or so to illustrate the changes in my daily habits that take place due to my decision, as well as any things that have made it difficult to not stick to it.

So, if there’s any readers out there that I just don’t realize are there, here’s to you, me and a bright future!